Most college classes have either just ended or are ending now. Since many of my readers will be burned out from finals, moving home, and engaging in celebratory functions, I assume that my readership will be low or inattentive this week. Instead of research, I offer a satirical profile of the commencement ceremony stars that one should never try to emulate. Family and friends should put all their might into cheering for their graduates, of course, but they should also be considerate of the people around them who require eardrums for future use and may not appreciate having them ruptured by an air horn chorus.

People who should not be allowed at gradutions:

Viewers

• Shriekers. Whistles are included in this category.
• People who cheer inappropriately loud when a particular large university/sports team is mentioned.
• Rowdy children.
• Stinky children.
• Friends of popular students who scream their names in unison during silent moments.
• People who bring painful noisemakers.
• People who mistake the opportunity to respect the graduates by dressing formally for an opportunity to dress like a prostitute.
• Concession stand enthusiasts.
• People who taunt every name not commonly assigned to a native English speaker.

Graduates

• Graduates who, upon receiving the diploma, perform antics that they mistakenly think are entertaining rather than idiotic.
• Graduates who decorate their caps with inappropriately gaudy things, such as larger glitter-encrusted hats.
• Keynote speakers who mistake clichés for motivation.

All of the above must be evaluated according to the situation. Cheering at the mention of a large university’s name is acceptable when one is graduating from said university, but interrupting a speech to scream it is still rude. Onstage victory dances that prevent other graduates from walking the stage when their names are called are inappropriate, but some antics are acceptable, such as dances that perpetuate across-stage locomotion. The person whose name is called last deserves to get away with whatever he wants.

People like these are the reasons that when I last attended a commencement, I had to MacGyver my headphones into earplugs so that I could prevent hearing damage from the three rows behind me. They are also the reasons that all 3 times I walked across the stage, I had to previously sign an agreement stating that I would not

1. release rodents during the ceremony
2. perform acrobatics
3. fail to wear full clothing underneath my gown

Graduations celebrate achieving a new level of intelligence, right? Let your partying reflect that intelligence.

Next week I’ll continue with Misuse of the Word Medieval, Part 4: Women.